Love Map Maze

I once thought people were good. I thought love was real. I dreamed of holding my future children even if I could never imagine having a husband. I always thought I would have friends I would see on the regular I would love and who would love me too.

I thought love was real. Religion (and Disney if I’m being completely honest) distorted my expectation of love. Disney convinced me I could fly. Religion convinced me I absolutely must marry and have children. My grandmother told me just the opposite. Love was confusing, not in the way that crushes work or first loves, but in the way that if God’s love is pure, true love (Jesus), and Jesus was crucified, resurrected, and now accended then love no longer exists here on earth. Not real love anyway.

It was confusing like “I love you” was a slap across my face and a hug felt like punishment. Like, there is a God who loves you… I mean, He really loves you except when you look like this and act like that, then He doesn’t love you anymore. He loved sinners, but only back then. He can not love you as a sinner. Be perfect or pretend to be. What happens in this house stays in this house. A whirlwind like stop cutting yourself. I love you except when you hurt yourself. Don’t you see I would love you better if you would STOP BEING YOU? Stop hurting. Stop being sick. Stop… just stop and be perfect.

My desire for love makes me hear things that aren’t being said. It shape-shifts me into nothing more than a game piece in the Tetris of someone else’s life. My desire for love took my ability to use the word no. I miss me before I learned what love wasn’t.

Unfortunately, I learned what it wasn’t before I learned what it was. The good thing about the journey is you can always learn new things. I am learning to get back to me. I am learning what love is and unlearning what it isn’t. What love isn’t- isn’t any of my business, at least not anymore.